The following is an article I wrote that first appeared in the magazine Adoption Today (December 2010 issue). I also had another article pubished in the June 2010 issue. You can link to Adoption Today's website at www.adoptinfo.net. Hope you enjoy my article, it feels really weird to write something for publication since I am a dad and NOT an author! Anyway, here it is:
Just Remember…
Sometimes words of wisdom come from unexpected people. Sometimes words of wisdom are given to us and we completely miss their value in the moment they are spoken. I was the beneficiary of words of wisdom early in our adoption of a sibling group of three children from Colombia, but for a season I completely missed the depth and importance of a small phrase that began with “just remember”.
When we received Jason, Tatiana, and Luke into our family, I had been a dad for 29 years and still had 5 minor children in my home. I thought I had this fatherhood thing pretty well figured out. Boy was I wrong! As I reflect back over the past two years with these three children, I have come to realize that parenting adopted children from the third world (especially when they come into your family as older children) requires some completely different parenting skills. They come to your family after having lived through some tough life circumstances and these life experiences often represent unique challenges to us as parents. Our new children had lived though extreme poverty and multiple parental abandonments.
Shortly before leaving for Colombia, we met a young couple in our church from Colombia. This couple did not yet have any children of their own, but wanted to offer their help with our adopted children when we returned home. We were very grateful and encouraged to have their help, especially since we knew very little Spanish. We maintained a blog (eightisnotenough.blogspot.com) for our adoption and made daily entries while we were in Bogota. After being in Bogota for only a few days, our new found friend Alvaro left a comment to one of our journal entries. He told us, “Just remember, these children are going to live every moment as if there is no tomorrow, because in their lives there has been no tomorrow.”
At the point that I read these words, I thought to myself, that the comment made complete sense. We were still in the phase where the kids were bouncing off the walls, eating everything in sight, and trying to play with every toy we have – all at the same time. At that moment his comments completely described the outward actions we were observing in our new kids! But… I completely missed the significance of this statement as it related to what was going on inside their heads, especially Jason, the oldest. When we got back to our home in Kansas, I would remember these words as Jason, Tatiana and Luke would try to eat everything at the table – I knew they had known starvation in the truest sense of the word. Of course they would want to eat excessively; their life experience told them that tomorrow they might be staving again. They would play with a toy only for a moment, and then they would run to the next toy, and the next and the next; their life experience told them that what they had today would be gone tomorrow. They needed to get to every toy because they might never have another chance to play with these toys. They would constantly want to be physically close to us as their new parents; their life experience told them they had to hold on tightly because we too might abandon them. Yes, I could see that these precious children lived as if there was no tomorrow- on the outside.
I don’t know if Alvaro had intended deeper meaning in his words when he spoke them, but for me they have come to be the most profound advise were ever given. They encapsulate the essence of the challenge I faced in becoming a cross cultural adoptive parent. As I reflect backwards, I have come to realize the value of these words are not in understanding the actions of my children, but rather in their significance regarding who my children are inside- what it is that makes them tick. The real challenge is not to convince them there will be food on the table again tomorrow. The real challenge is to help them to understand that there is something called tomorrow, that they can live outside of THIS moment. After two years, we have worked through a great many things with our Colombian children. We are sure that they love and trust us. We believe that they know we love them in return.
“Just remember, these children are going to live every moment as if there is no tomorrow, because in their lives there has been no tomorrow.” What these words point to is the challenge we face as adoptive parents to help our children develop a new world view. For these kids, there is no concept of a tomorrow. They know what the definition of the word tomorrow means, but for them as a concept it has never existed. How do you help someone to make such a radical change I their perception of reality? How do you motivate them to make good choices even when nobody is looking? How do you convey to a child of adversity that they can let go of their survival instincts and desires for self gratification? How do you train a child to follow the social mores and household rules you have set while trusting you to meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs and desires in this thing called tomorrow?
We have taught these children to understand that good choices result in good consequences. They understand that bad choices result in bad consequences. While they understand this intellectually, and have grown through a lot of good and bad choices, they seem unwilling or unable to act in the present with any regard for the future consequences of their actions. In this world view as it relates to present actions, the future does not seam to exist. It is far more important to enjoy the pleasure of the moment than to act in such a way as to ensure bigger, better and longer lasting pleasures in the future. As a Christian family, we have trusted in Proverb 22:6 which taught us to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” What I have learned from Alvaro’s advice is that with Jason, Luke and Tatiana, we first had to invest a great deal of time untraining things from the past before we could “train them in the way they should go”. As I have come to understand Alvaro’s advice, I can now focus my efforts as a dad on helping Jason, Tatiana and Luke to live beyond the moment. We are teaching them not to just trust us as their parents, but also to trust that there will be a bright tomorrow for them filled with opportunities they never dared to imagine or hope for in those difficult circumstances of their early life.
God bless,
Jim
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
A New Begining
Last week, we flew to San Antonio, Texas for a new beginning for Makenzie and Isaiah. The laws in Texas require you to have a child in your home for six months before you can finalize an adoption. Last week we returned to Texas for the finalization in the court and a new beginning for us as a family. We have realized from the start that Isaiah and Makenzie were brought into our lives by the providence of our almighty God. But this knowledge does not keep the unsettled feeling in your stomach away when you have to go into the court to stand before the judge you have never met. Our trust in Him never left us, but I must admit we were nervous- my brother Frank prayed with us when we got to the court house- prayers that helped us in this time. We also had never met our lawyer! Our adoption agency just told us to meet him at the elevator on the second floor of the courthouse- "don't worry if he is late". An hour later a gentleman came to us and said "I'm Ron Prince your lawyer!" From there it was a joy filled and uneventfully conclusion to our 6 month wait. We were only before the judge for about 5 minutes and the adoption decree was signed. With the stroke of his pen, the judge made legal what God had indelibly written on our hearts months before. After he signed our adoption decree, the judge invited us behind the bench for a photo opportunity. As of 2:10 pm 3 December 2010, Makenzie and Isaiah are now our children in the eyes of the law and in the all seeing eyes of our Heavenly Father. Praise Him!
We got back home at 2:15 am Saturday morning- crazy busy 2 days! We had arranged to have a baby dedication service the following day. It was such a blessing to share this time with our church family and mutually commit to sheppard these young hearts and lead them to an eternal relationship with Jesus. It was my incredible privilege to speak a blessing over them as part of the dedication. Parts of this blessing below are borrowed and parts of it are my original words. Here is the blessing I gave to Makenzie and Isaiah:
Isaiah and Makenzie,
Each of you are an amazing blessing to your mother and I. You are the babies we have prayed for in a time of our life when we were to old to expect we would ever have babies again. We prayed for you knowing God was able to grant you as the desire of our hearts, but yet our faith was too small to expect that He would. We are so grateful to Him for you.
Each of you are an amazing blessing to your mother and I. You are the babies we have prayed for in a time of our life when we were to old to expect we would ever have babies again. We prayed for you knowing God was able to grant you as the desire of our hearts, but yet our faith was too small to expect that He would. We are so grateful to Him for you.
It was the Hebrew father’s place in the traditional Jewish home in the time of Jesus to bless his children, this tradition began with Isaac and Jacob. As your earthly father I am delegated by God as the spiritual head over our home and family and by His authority I speak this blessing into your lives.
Isaiah and Makenzie, I bless your entire life and every aspect of it. You are children under the New Covenant God made with His Son Jesus the Christ as the perfect and final sacrifice for your redemption. “Isaiah and Makenzie, I bless you in the name of Jesus, proclaiming the blessings of God, my Redeemer, upon you. May He give you wisdom, a reverential fear of God, and a heart of love for Him and His people.
I bless you with His Protection. Throughout your entire life may He go before you and prepare all of your paths. May He go behind you to be your rear guard, that attacks of the enemy shall in no way be able to reach you. May He place an impenetrable hedge about you all of your days so that no harm will befall you. For through this Blessing God has put His name on you, those who curse you shall know God's wrath and those who bless you shall know God's blessing.
Isaiah and Makenzie, I ask that God bless you with good health, that disease and infirmities shall never prevent you from accomplishing God’s great purpose in your life. Isaiah, God has already given you a thorn in your flesh, may He also give you wisdom to understand why and opportunity to touch other lives for Him because of it. I ask God that both you will grow strong and healthy in body, mind and soul. May He create in you the desire to attend to His words, a willing and obedient heart that you may consent and submit to His sayings and walk in His ways. May your eyes look straight ahead with purpose for the future. May you always speak the truth in love. May your hands do the works of the Father; may your feet walk the paths that He has foreordained for you. I could have no greater joy than to hear that you my children are living your lives in His truth.
I bless your relationships, that you will take the lessons you will learn as part of a multiracial home and be comfortable meeting and conversing with all people. Makenzie, you have eyes that seam to search to the very depth of my soul. May this be a reflection of who you will become, that you will look at and respond to the depth a person's character – who they are in the heart of God- rather than what they look like on the outside. Both of you are an important person and in the eyes of God there is no person who has greater value than you. Likewise there is no other person who can fulfill the purpose God has created for you. Your family will always love, nurture and support you. Short of marriage, no other earthly relationship will be more important to you. But even within your family, the two of you as twins have a special bond that few will ever understand completely. God has given me a small glimpse of how special this relationship is- be blessed in your relationship with one and other as unity will always be strong with you. May the Lord prepare you and your future mates to love and honor one another, and may He grant to your unions many upright sons and daughters who will live in accordance with His Word. May your source of livelihood be honorable and secure, so that you will earn a living with your own hands. May you always worship God in spirit and in truth.
I bless you with peace and happiness. May your smiles brighten many lives and may laughter be your lifelong companion.
By God’s authority I have spoke this blessing to you. Because it is spoken by His authority it is unfettered by earthly boundaries and is not subject to any limitation of man. Therefore I charge you to walk in confidence, be strong and courageous.
Dad
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